soul drops

i suppose it would not be at all a surprise for any of you to see that i have not kept up with the intentions of my heart. so here we are three years later. so much has happened in our family since then. so many joys and so many heartaches.

i have thought so much about what i have wanted to say to you guys for the past 6 months. too often i come up wordless and the wounds continue to fester. but i have a hope...that this will be a place where my heart might just be able to express some things. i seek not so much to give explanations as i seek to share my heart with you.

Lord of light and hope, shed some light as i pen my heart and soul. bring your healing balm to the words here. but more, show us yourself in the midst. we hurt. we cry out. i long for my precious children to be whole....but i confess my part in coming up against that.

petals from my quiver

its funny how your kids end up teaching you things. for me (since i am so anal about thinking deeply) i have noticed a theme from each of you. at first the things you seemed to tell me over and over annoyed me. but then i began taking them to Jesus and asked...."why does this keep coming up? help me to see past what annoys me into the truth of it". so He did just that. so here you have what i have learned over the years from you all. i think that each of what you have conveyed has something to do with your individual calling as well (ie...look for what i say about you and ask God how He is in the midst of working that out in you).

it all came to me 4 years ago in the analogy of a cup. it started with courtney's theme. court you may not know this but you have been preaching to me over the years. Jesus gets furious in the gospels with the pharisees who were concerned with how they came across on the outside to the exclusion of the nasty shape their hearts were in. they made sure everyone could see how much they gave...the rules they obeyed....and so forth.

courtney's cup theology to mom...
"okay, it's not that big of a deal mom"?
you have taught me how not to take life seriously (this is coming slowly). to let go of the ways i try to make religion happen...rather than to live a genuine Christian journey. you have "unchurched me". you have taught me what it means to worship genuinely. court, you are teaching me not to focus on the outside of the cup.

brittany's cup theology to mom...
"why are you really doing that"?
you have taught me so much about how to love others and understand their pain. you have helped me question my motives. you have helped me to see the real meaning of life and in others and myself. britty, you are teaching me what it means to look on the inside of the cup.

emily's cup theology to mom...
"mom, you are over-reacting". you teach me to slow down, not panic and not let life overwhelm us. you have taught me to see God in the small things of life. you have taught me how to nurture others. emmy, you are teaching me to appreciate how the cup is made...and in that have a heart of celebration.

jeremy's cup theology to mom...
you have taught me to "just do it". you teach me how to be myself. you have taught me what it means to let go of image and be free to be myself as i see you being yourself.....and to pay attention to the needs of others. you are not afraid of their drama (and yours) and how to connect to others and God in that jj, you are teaching me how to use the cup.
so...my quiver (bible calls the tribe of children in one family a quiver full)...is full of petals...and for that, i celebrate.

thank you for teaching me through your realness guys. i love you so much.

"Lord, show each of my children who they are.....how you delight in them and made them so wonderfully. show them what your plan is for them in life. the plan you have to make each of them prosper and succeed in whatever you call upon their lives".

amen!! (amen means so be it!!)

ragmuffin momhood

there is a book that i want you all to read someday (actually i am working on a list of books that i would love for you to read sometime in your younger years). the book is called ragamuffin gospel by brennan manning. its about how much we fail as humans and yet how merciful God is to us. it puts in perspective, what humans are in relation to God.

well, that is how i feel about being a mom to you. i have not always thought of myself as a great mom. if greatness could be measured in love i would win the prize. if greatness is measured by how i have "mothered" you i would not rate so high. but what is the rule of a great mom? if i esteemed to be a great mom..i fear you would worship me. i won't compare myself to other moms. i think that is a great trap. but if i had to raise you all over again i would choose to raise you as Jesus would. paul puts it in the best words. they come from romans 7:14-25 in the message. this is how i feel about how i have raised you...

"I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

you guys know my story...but i am not sure how much you know me. i am an extrovert but often use that as a cover. i think i am a pretty hidden person underneath. many people (including my sisters) say that they don't know me.

when i was sick and then we had all those trials on top...(boo's cancer, dad's job...), i woke up one day, looked in the mirror and said, "i hate who i am Lord". i am desperate for You and i need you to help me change. so that is how i came into the world of spiritual formation. i think it has helped bring me to look more like Jesus than ever. it's a long a slow process to look like Jesus but it is way worth it.

so that is the premise of all the petals of love i have to offer you on these pages. first, that i have not done you as well as i would have liked to...but praise to Jesus that He can make that different in me and in you. secondly, i have so much to share with you about life and what i am learning. God is amazing and He is doing a new thing through spiritual formation all over the world. so i will be writing you from time to time. "Lord, may you speak through all the parts that are not formed in me. take the keys in my hands".

you four are so very precious.