ragmuffin momhood

there is a book that i want you all to read someday (actually i am working on a list of books that i would love for you to read sometime in your younger years). the book is called ragamuffin gospel by brennan manning. its about how much we fail as humans and yet how merciful God is to us. it puts in perspective, what humans are in relation to God.

well, that is how i feel about being a mom to you. i have not always thought of myself as a great mom. if greatness could be measured in love i would win the prize. if greatness is measured by how i have "mothered" you i would not rate so high. but what is the rule of a great mom? if i esteemed to be a great mom..i fear you would worship me. i won't compare myself to other moms. i think that is a great trap. but if i had to raise you all over again i would choose to raise you as Jesus would. paul puts it in the best words. they come from romans 7:14-25 in the message. this is how i feel about how i have raised you...

"I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

you guys know my story...but i am not sure how much you know me. i am an extrovert but often use that as a cover. i think i am a pretty hidden person underneath. many people (including my sisters) say that they don't know me.

when i was sick and then we had all those trials on top...(boo's cancer, dad's job...), i woke up one day, looked in the mirror and said, "i hate who i am Lord". i am desperate for You and i need you to help me change. so that is how i came into the world of spiritual formation. i think it has helped bring me to look more like Jesus than ever. it's a long a slow process to look like Jesus but it is way worth it.

so that is the premise of all the petals of love i have to offer you on these pages. first, that i have not done you as well as i would have liked to...but praise to Jesus that He can make that different in me and in you. secondly, i have so much to share with you about life and what i am learning. God is amazing and He is doing a new thing through spiritual formation all over the world. so i will be writing you from time to time. "Lord, may you speak through all the parts that are not formed in me. take the keys in my hands".

you four are so very precious.